Last night I was having a ‘moment.’ I’d went across the street to watch a sleeping baby, which was good. Then when I came home. I had two little boys who absolutely refused to lay in their bed. I had a little girl who wanted to be left alone. And a hubby that was at a work thing and not able to be home. I had already had a long day with a baby boy who is teething and having a hard time with the vampire teeth. I just wanted a moment to myself in the living room watching my show. But that was just apparently out of the question. So at 9:30 pm I found myself in bed with two boys and a little girl. I’m angry and frustrated because I just wanted a moment to myself but I just couldn’t have it. Because being a mommy is a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week job as any mother can tell you. So I just begrudgingly went to be at 9:30 and put in a movie. Hoping that I could hear it.
I choose Mom’s Night Out. Not because I love it (which I do). Not because it has a great message (which it does). Not because I even wanted to watch it. But because it was already in the player and it was easier to hit play than change it. But it was a great reminder that I’m not as awful as I feel. I started a “mommy blog” post yesterday about how I feel like parents are always judging others, and we should stop that. But it read weird and I believed every word, but it just felt judgy and that was what I was wanting to speak against. Then I had my moment. And in a swish it became clear. I feel judged because I am judging me. I am holding myself to an impossible standard that is slowly killing.
Other parents might be judging me. But I’m my own worse critic. I knew this when it came to writing, school work and my own appearance. But I hadn’t realized what I was doing to myself when it came to my parenting. It was such a clear moment for myself that I felt silly I’d never seen it before. Felt like a huge idiot honestly. I’m not the mom I want to be–no. But I’m a good mom. I do yell, shout, spank and have moments. But I also kiss scrapped knees, hug super tight, listen to stories that are crazy and have those special moments that are once in a lifetime.
Last night I had a moment. I was lying in bed with my three precious babies. They were all quite, snuggled up with me and each other watching a movie and the world was peaceful. No matter how we ended up there, I had a good moment.
So I write all this to say. That I’m not the Mom I think I should be. But I think I’m the Mom my kids need. And that is good enough.