Back to Blogging
I’ve tried for many days to start this blog. I’ve used the 750words to try to punch out some of my thoughts. But I have to say that writing this month has been really hard. I haven’t been able to find the right words for the emotions I’ve been feeling. They are too complicated. Actually, that is inaccurate. They are too clouded by the grief I’ve been feeling.
On February 3rd–a date I already hated–My Grandma Jewell left this earth to go to her Heavenly home. While that statement and sentiment is a beautiful thing, the pain and sadness that has been left in my heart and soul is nothing but this crushing weight. I know that we are supposed to celebrate a Godly woman going to be with the Lord, but I can’t help but be very angry that it happened. The sweet and kind words by others were less than helpful.
“She lived a good long life.” Yeah, she did, we just celebrated her 95th birthday. But how does that make me feel better? Like because she wasn’t young, she was old, that somehow my pain is not the same.
“She is in no more pain.” No because she doesn’t feel her body anymore. Yes she has a new one in Heaven, but again she didn’t live a life in pain. She wasn’t sick until one week before she died. And we made sure that she wasn’t in pain in the hospital. We did everything to make it easier on her. So no. I’m sorry well-meaning people, that didn’t easy my hurt.
Grief isn’t something that becomes less, it doesn’t ever leave a person. I still grieve and miss those that have already left this Earth. Grief doesn’t become easier to live with. It just becomes a void, that you have to overlook because society gives you a time limit on how long you can go with being visibly sad. A fact I know, because I’ve been on both sides of it.
I can’t express any other emotion other than annoyance and anger at the whole thing. I feel a lot more. I feel emptiness, sadness, pain, and a whole host of emotions that I don’t have names for. My grandmother was always there. She watched me when I was young. She taught me things. She told me stories. She supported me. She encouraged me to be the bigger person when others had deeply hurt me. She was always there. Now she’s not. There is a void in my life and my heart. There is an empty spot on my family pew. There is nothing that can be said to make that feel any better.
I don’t know how to live and move forward with this grief, this loss. Mostly I haven’t. I’ve tried to, but mostly I’ve sat on my couch and watched a lot of General Hospital.
In other news. Because I will just fall apart if I try to keep writing about my Grandma. I just had my first 29th birthday. I did as little as possible work. I was pampered and given extremely great gifts. It was a great day. Great day.
I got to sleep in, because unfortunately due to bad weather, church was cancelled. One long hot shower later, I was eating a breakfast that I didn’t have to prepare. Because the hubby went to McDonalds to get me the McGriddles. I laid around, read a bit, watched some TV, and then went out to dinner with the family at BarleyCorns. It was a good evening. Phil took care of the kids, while I open my gifts and ate my meal. It was a good day.
Per normal, I don’t feel older, wiser or any of that hogwash. But I feel tired. But I think is normal with a mom with three kids. So, things could be better on that front. So as a 29-year-old I think things will be just the same. The only difference is that I’m older.
So this has been my attempt to be back to normal. To be the blogger I always attempt to be.
that is all.