Thursday Check In:
I know I haven’t been posting the normal stuff the past few weeks. It’s not that I have forgotten or anything I just haven’t been able to pinpoint a theme for the month of October. Once my September post ran out I didn’t have any prepare for October. I know it’s Halloween month and that would be an easy theme, and maybe for funny Friday that would be okay, but for Monday and Wednesdays I just can’t see that working. I just need to come up with something and then i’ll get them all prepared.
Here lately I’ve been doing a lot of reflection on me and my life. I have been trying to find a place and balance of happiness for me. I know that seems silly because I have a great life. But you have no idea how much I identified with Sara Drew character in the movie “Mom’s Night Out.” I just feel like a failure in my life, I feel like there is so much I’m not enough for. I’m trying to take to heart the idea from the movie that I’m just not enough for me. That I’m putting too much pressure on myself. Because truth is I am. I want all these things for me. But it’s only for me. It’s not for my family, it’s not for God, it’s just for me, because I have this idea of what a good wife and mom is based on a fictional idea from the world. So I’ve been trying to praise myself instead of tearing me down. I have enough people who tear me now, I don’t need to do it to myself.
There is this great gif set on Tumblr of a little girl with a coffee mug, saying it doesn’t matter what others thinks, “because I love me.”/ And it’s just so inspirational, because she loves herself, she’s got such a simple concept down and she’s a small child. I want to know why me, as a grown adult can’t seem to hold onto that concept. You don’t have to love me, I love me, but more importantly and what I know is GOD LOVES ME. So I’ve been working on trying to fix myself to the point where I know I’m loved. I know I’m enough and I’m doing things that makes me feel good about myself.
I have had a rough patch since I’ve left school, since I’ve had a third child, since I’ve felt like a failure. Like I’m not enough. It’s my own personal insecurities that I shouldn’t be posting about but writing is how i work things out, sharing is almost a compulsion anymore. Besides I feel that if I’m honest about my own problems, that maybe i can help someone and they can feel like they aren’t alone. I just want to maybe help someone. If I can. So since I’m recognizing my problems, I won’t let anyone hold them against me. Because I know I’m not the only mom/ wife/ person out there that feels like she isn’t good enough. But this rough patch as only made me want to fix myself in every way that I can. I want to find myself in a place where I’m enjoying life, not suffering through it. And while I’m still having moments of set back and doubt, I feel like I’m getting there. I find myself able to stop my chores and duties to play and smile and laugh with the babies I’ve been blessed with. And that is a huge HUGE improvement over the stress of feeling like these babies are meant to kill me. (Yes I’ve had that thought) (Yes, I’m sad to admit that.)
So other than trying to find the joy in life again. Self-reflecting to be a better person. I have started the business of blogging again. I say business loosely because I’m not making a dime off the time I put into it. I wish I was. I wish i was some mommy blogger that sold space on my blog to earn money or free trips to Disney, but that just hasn’t happened yet. (Holding onto hope that it might one day.) I’ve written reviews two days in a row and got those up on TheTelevisionWatcher.com I’ve been working really hard on the fan site AOSFans.com and I’ve been doing really good at my elance articles. (The one dollar per article job.) So I feel like I have the me stuff down. Plus now that it’s October I have to start planning and preparing for NANO since I’m doing it this year. I’m pretty determined to win as well. I want to win. Just finish one novel in my life, and if it goes from there, awesome that is the way it was supposed to go. But if i just finish and print it out and place it in a folder in my trunk I’ll be happy too, know I wrote something from start to finish. NANO is something I’m really excited about. I’m really excited to start it.
I’ve also been hanging out with Haylie. We went on a great field trip a few days ago. I have been able to take her to girl scouts and listen /watch her learn and have a good time with her friends and explore the world of helping. I am so thankful that my mom has been so helpful to watch the boys while I spend time with her. She might drive me nuts (Haylie that is) but she’s a fun person to hang out with. I’m really glad that she’s a fun kid. I just want her to stay a kid forever.
I really don’t know what else to say other than I’m glad I’m making some personal progress. I just hope to make so progress in some other areas. Areas I’m not ready to talk about on the inter-webs for anyone to see. So I suppose …
…that is all.