this is not the post I’ve been promising you readers.
you might want to stop reading now.
I’m feeling very restless right now. That might not be the right word.
There has just been a whole lot of sadness in my life this week. Christmas was good and all but the days since the holiday have been trying.
For starters, my doggie was killed. I let her out to stretch her legs for a bit since she had been cooped up in the kennel for a few days and she took off to the road. She was hit. There was nothing I could have done. I would have if I could have. I am blaming myself, even though everyone is saying it isn’t my fault. It was my choice that let her out to run free. I knew she’d go to the road. She always did. But I’m trying to not blame myself. I really am. But I’m still missing her. I yelled, cursed, and hated her sometimes. But I loved her. She was part of my family. I had a special bond with her. She’d snuggle me in bed. Sleep at my feet. Just everything. She’s the first pet that lived in my home all the time. Growing up the pets where outside pets. Lucy wasn’t. She lived in my house 24/7, so not having her run around barking at every noise is really strange.
I know there are some people who won’t get that Lucy was more than just a pet, and will say that she’s just an animal. But no. She was more than that. I miss her so much.
The really worse part about it for me, was I was the one who was with her until she died. I stayed with her until well after her heart stopped. I’ve never done that before and to see her face in those moments was awful. I just can’t. Words come easily to me most times, but on that they don’t. Holding my doggie while she left life was not okay, and I can’t describe that grief. Or the hole that that experience has burrowed into my heart.
I’ve had other pets, and they have died too and it hurt really badly, but this, this was something different.
Then telling Haylie and hearing her screams/cries after she knew, that was a different type of pain.
She seems fine now. She keeps talking about missing Lucy. But she says she isn’t sad. That we will be able to get a new dog and that will be good. That not having Lucy is a good thing. But I don’t know I think she’s really upset but doesn’t know how to deal with it.
Then today my uncle passed away. He’s been sick. He was suffering. But I don’t know how to deal with his death. I knew it was coming. But having it happen. Well that is something I’m not sure how to handle.
My relationship with him wasn’t the best. But he was my family. I only had two uncles and now I only have one. That’s a weird thought.
I just can’t believe he is gone, and I don’t know how I feel about it. There is so many thoughts and stuff. I just.
Okay I’m done tripping through this blog.