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November 14th

 

dear diary.

i’m writing today because i’m feeling stress.  i don’t want to be, but i am.  I know it’s that time of year.  Stress happens.  But it seems particularly bad this year.  I’m graduating, which is thrilling but i’m freaking out over the fact i don’t have a  job yet.  no leads, nothing.  I want a job.  I want to be able to provide for my family so phil won’t have to work as hard, if we both share the load it will be easier for both of us.  also i feel as if i need to get a job because if i don’t then the last several years for have all been wasted.   I don’t want to go to college and just end up wearing the name tag again (subtle movie reference, ten point to whomever gets it).  I have faith that something will come my way, something that I’ll love.  but i’m so worried over it.  but in order for those worries to actually have merit i have to graduate.

 

which is a whole other stress that is heavy like a weight strung around my neck.  i’m trying so hard to keep everything together.  but it’s just not happening.  i have papers, portfolios, assignments and all kinds of worries about it coming from everywhere.  i don’t want to be so stressed.  i’ve tried to just not worry about it just get my act together and get it done.  take one thing at a time.  but that is becoming increasingly more difficult.

i know that i can do these things.  i’ve done them every other semester.  i just need to sit up straight take a deep breath and do it.  get it done.  stop whining and go.  but that is really hard this time around.

i’m also really sick today.  not sick enough to pass out in bed and sleep all day.  but sick enough that i’m going to the doctor.  my throat is very swollen.  like so swollen to look at my reflection i can see the swollen-ness. So i’m wearing a scarf so other can’t see it (not like they would really notice,but).

i’m mostly just feeling very overwhelmed right now.           i know this shall pass and i can do it. and all those other go get em comments.  i’m not looking for a shoulder.  i just want to write it all down.  document how i’m feeling in this moment.

 

that is all

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