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I know I use this blog to rant and rave a lot.  I also use it to just ramble about my life.  More like a diary than a blog about actual things like the start of this blog was.  When I blogged about stupid things that our celebrities were doing.

Today I am just using this as a diary page.  Because there is a lot going on in my life and i just don’t know how to deal with it.  Thus I write.  I may not even post this publicly  I just need to get it out I suppose.

My family is still in a very difficult period and when I say my family I do not mean me phil and haylie.  I mean the external family, the aunts, uncles, cousins, grandma’s, ect ect.  It’s not just on one side of the family, it’s on both.  Grandma Jewell basically emotionally abused Rylynn to the point of Rylynn had to leave, for her own sake.  I can’t blame her.  I agree with her.  She needed to not be there anymore.  But the fall out from that….good heaven’s.  There have been so many angry words spewed back and forth. So many weeks/months of not talking has happened.  My poor Dad has been caught in the middle by what I can see.  It is nothing but a huge mess of hurt feelings and upset-ness.  Now Thursday is Thanksgiving and it is just a huge mess, or its gonna be.  I just have this feeling.

The other side of the family is less dramatic, still anger causing.  My aunt Cathy is sick.  In the hospital sick.  Now I know I really don’t have the full story, I am not there and all.  But I do know that her child are being so quick to jump the gun and say she can’t care for herself.  Her daughter won’t even visit her in the hospital, but can take the time out of her day (which is so full of studying) to take her father to the doctors.  It’s really frustrating.  They have called social services, to have her declared unfit.  She is sick, not un-able to care for herself.  It’s just really difficult to think that they are just that cruel.  But then again I can’t say I am to surprise.  We are talking about the same family just excludes my mother from family get together’s that they have quite often.  ie Tupperware parties,  eating out, dinners at Sara’s house that Gary is invited to, but not my mom.  We are also talking about the same family who can’t even be bothered with a phone call to inform anyone that Jeana is pregnant.  They can talk about it openly at a funeral where my dad over-heard it.  But heaven forbid that they treat my mom with the information.  And I’m sure that if you say anything it would by my mom’s fault for not asking.  Because we are supposed to ask.  We can’t just be told.

So between the massive family drama on both side.  Stress of school.  Because let me telling I am not doing so well.  I’m majorly behind and it’s just a mess there too.

I am so tired of the messes.  I know thanksgiving is going to be hard, because for me it always is hard.  I get remember how I didn’t do anything and Joe died that night.  I can tell myself logically that it’s not my fault, but I saw him on his bicycle that night. I was in a pick up truck that could have driven to Piner and taken his bike.  I knew it was him.  I told Rylynn it was him.  I did nothing though.  We didn’t even stop.  Not twenty minutes later he was hit. He was killed.  He died.  He was a boy, he should have had a life.  I did nothing and he is dead.  I hate thanksgiving.  I hate it.  I can’t let go of that fact.  I just …..

I hate thanksgiving anyway, and not that both sides of my family are falling apart.  I can’t handle it.  I don’t want to handle it.  I want my family to get their heads out of the sand. Fix the mess that they made.  Stop being so mean to each other.

blarg.  I’m not sure this has done any good.

so that is all.


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stuff, blahs, yadadas...

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