…..to be needed.
I am Maciena.
I am a student.
I am extremely whinny today.
I must forewarn you, I’m in an odd place today, and its causing me to be extremely whinny and sour.
Now on with the show….I haven’t blogged in forever. WHY? well because your day continues to go round without it. It’s not like there are people refreshing and cursing me because I haven’t updated.
I’m feeling very unneeded, overworked, an a failure….. I have this consent nagging feeling at my chest that feels like a two ton brick doing a jig.
I have all these dreams and ambitions that I feel is just a big waste of time. I look at the things I’m doing and I wonder why? Why in the heck am I torturing myself, my family, and my friends going through this education process, because I just can’t dream of ever making it.
Then I get all pissy at myself…because this is something that I’ve wanted to do since I was little. So I should just stand up and get a set of gonads and do what I want. Its my line in the sand to make a stand by it. I’m a walking contradiction. Do what makes me happy but grumble and be all woe is me in the process. I’ll never learn. So moving on.
How has life been for me?
Well school started at the end of August. I’m taking 18 hours, which is an insane class load for anybody. (It’s now October and I’ve already lost my mind.) I’m in a Spanish class, and it’s kicking my butt. I can work it out to do my homework and stuff, but I seem to always mess up the application of verbs on my quizzes and test. I am in two different Anthropology (my minor) classes. The classes are amazing, but I’m having a difficult time keeping up with all the reading, and lets just say that causing a lot of issues. I’m in a PR class and it might be my easiest class of them all. But it’s still work. A lot of work. Then there is my woman studies class, and it’s too much reading, but I love the content. Overall I just feel like I’m running this marathon that is very long, and I’ve already hit the wall so to speak.
Out side of school life, things are great. My darling husband is treating me wonderfully. He gets how stressed I am, and is so wonderful and helpful. He’ll take care of things like cleaning and taking care of Haylie while I’m so very busy with everything. He’ll help me study and quiz me on things. He just very amazing to me. He’ll even listen to my crazy ramblings about how crappy I feel and what a failure I feel like I am. He’ll tell me how much I am not and what a wonderful person I am, and how I just need to breathe and take things one day at a time.
Haylie is 4 years old now. Four. Four. She’s four. My baby, is no longer a little baby. She’s (in her words) is taller. I just can’t believe it. But she’s so wonderful in an absolutely frustrating way. Always questing things, asking for something, trying to expand her horizons. And i have to say as annoying as those little moments are, they are wonderful.
Bottom line: I feel useless. I want to have something that is worth wild, meaningful. I have a wonderful family. I am a writer whether or not I have good grammar. I’m a good wife/mother even if my house is messy and its smells. PS ITS DOESN’T SMELL! I will survive because I am a survivor. I can rise above all those people who say nasty hurtful things, even if they don’t realize they are. I am being whinny and from this moment on I will say it is because I don’t feel good.
I’ll blog again when I need to get things off my chest or whatever.
Comment if you like.
Share thoughts if you want.
And if you can actually read through all of my pointless ramblings and come out to the end. Then two golden stars to you.
The temporary end.