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October

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Was Exhausting.

 

Days passed in such a blur that I could barely keep up with myself, let along three kids and a husband.  It was so demanding and all-encompassing that I just now am figuring out that it’s over.  Let alone over a week into the next month.

Each and every Sunday we were at church.  I just recently started going back to Sunday School.  So Sunday’s are even longer.  The morning became harder to get up earlier and all that.

 

Monday was a very easy day.  Just had to get the kids to school.  This particular day was good because I could use it to catch up and rest.  Which, I did.  But I would also try to get caught up on my housework and blog work.

 

Tuesdays were hard.  Not only did I schedule a ton of doctors appointments on these days.  (They used to be the day hubby was off) but we had Tuesday School and getting the short stack to Pre-K.  Then we had to go pick up Sissy from after school chorus practice.  One Tuesday of the month, I had a service unit meeting for Girl Scouts. That was good. But another thing on that calendar that was crazy busy full.
Wednesday was difficult because they were the point in the week where everyone would start having tantrums.  There was no reason, but by this day, everyone was just a bit touchy.  I would do as much housework I could while trying to keep The Television Watcher and Agents of SHIELD fansite pages up to date.  Then when the buses would get here in the afternoon it was the crunch.  I had a two-hour window to get all homework done and get the kids fed so we could go to church.  That in itself is very stressful.  Then we had the transition of Lucas learning how to go back to the WWJD crew, which was hard because he’s worse than me when it comes to change.  I loath it, he fights it.  So he wraps his hands around my neck and hangs there (because I refuse to hold him) until Becce pries him off of me and I run.   That sounds awful I know.   But he needs the “classroom” setting.  He needs to be around kids his own age.  And it’s not because he’s scared.  No, this is because he’s stubborn.

 

Thursday are crazy days because there are girl scout meetings.  The actual day part is fairly easy, but starting about 2 pm, I have to make sure I have everything together to address these girls, all the supplies together.  Then there is the rush to make supper before Haylie and I leave.  I herd cats at girl scouts.  I love my girl scouts.  But they get loud sometimes.  I mean really. It was a crazy train and when I would get home it would be just done time.

Friday was mostly likely my easiest of days. This day it was just a matter of getting Haylie to school and keeping the boys alive.  Not a lot of places to go.

Saturdays we had something to do every single day.  EVERY SINGLE SATURDAY there was something on the calendar. One weekend my daughter was camping. The next one we helped move my cousin home. We had a family thing the next weekend.  Then I had the Hallelujah Party to do on another weekend. Last weekend I had a girl scout event.  See every weekend we had something.  It took a lot of energy.

 

Other things that happened in October. I cut my hair.

 

I went from:20161031_105502

to: 20161031_142659

 

It was a busy and crazy month.  November was equally crazy, as you can see how long it has taken me to write and finish this post.

 

the end.

 

 

that is all.

Title, Important Title

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Equality Important Secondary Title.

 

Sometimes I just want to blog, but when I attempt to make a title for it, it becomes hard. So I rumble around and either don’t blog or makeup really bad titles.  Love me anyway.

7:30 am

Today has been only a few hours in and I’m struggling.

I don’t say that enough.  I always try to not complain about my struggles.

But today I just have to lay it out there.  Right now I feel like blah.  I’ve been doing my plexus routine.  But I’ve been so lethargic that it’s really messing with me.  On top of a very sick migraine that I had yesterday.   I don’t know what is up with my body, but it’s felt darn near impossible to get anything done, here lately.   I have made attempts and gotten some small victories.  But it doesn’t seem to matter, because, in a house of five monsters, small victories aren’t enough.

In one day we can go through three dozen dishes.  And with a dishwasher not working, well that is a lot of dishes.  Clothing is another massive problem in the house and with the dental work and headaches, it’s been hard to do what needs to be done.  In fact, when I’m down, I’m out.  And I’m the only one who does the laundry.  Haylie is in training, but with school all day, and homework and her extra activities, it’s not like she has time.  Nor should I make her do a ton of work. She’s learning how to do it, but I can’t expect it all to fall to her.

1 pm

I took a break from this and was able to actually get a load of laundry dried, kiddo #2 on the bus, and kiddo #3 fed lunch.  So I’ve been doing things.  I’ve even written 1402 words on my Nano piece.

So that is something.

I’m just here today.  Feeling like a thick dense fog has rolled in.  I’m sure it’s just residue from a migraine.  But thankfully that has seemed to die out.  Now I just have to have more than a small victory.

so….

….that is all.

Distractions Everywhere

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When I want to be focused…

 

Everything seems to be a distraction.  This entire blog post is one big distraction.  The layout for the promo on Agents of SHIELD for tonight’s episode was a distraction.  The dishes I washed by hand, also a distraction.  Even the three episodes of General Hospital that I’ve been able to get watched, has been a distraction. What am I so distracted from.  The 2000 words that I’m trying to get written today for the first day of NANO.  That is right, I’m attempting the NaNoWriMo challenge again this year. nanowrimo_2016_webbadge_participant

 

I sat down to start the first scene that I’ve thought out so thoroughly that I don’t know why I’m not writing it.  It’s been plotted that It should be cake, but yet, I’m sitting here and am allowing myself to be so distracted that I can’t get anything.  I’m only at 337 of a wanted 2000.  I just don’t know why I won’t allow myself to get this done.  I’m so bad for distracting myself.  I need a writing program that can block everything out.  I know they have them, maybe I should search for one tomorrow after I hit Wednesday’s 2000 words.

 

Basically, I’m rambling because while I want to do one thing, my mind won’t allow me, so it drifts to a thousand other things.  That and every time I seem to get the sentences stringing together, a boy runs out in tears, or something.  Because they aren’t listening to me tonight.  Like always.  (That is a whole other blog post.)

 

I’m bouncing between this and my new story.  Because this NANO piece is an entirely new story.  I need to finish all my other drafts, but I wanted to do a new piece for this NANO attempt.  I’ve officially finished the prologue for the story.  But now I need another 1500 words for the daily word count.  I mean I really don’t, but I want to have that done so that I can be ahead of schedule.  I only need 1666 words for today, to be on schedule.  But of course, I want to be ahead of that.

And that is all I have for this distraction.  Thanks for hanging out with my random rambles.

 

 

……That is all.

Compassionate Christianity

The hustle and bustle shouldn’t consume. Take a minute to breathe and share God’s love.

A Hurley's Journey of Faith

Colossians 3:12

This devotional has a quote written by Max Lucado.

Header (Grace for Each Day)

Day 40:

The hustle and bustle of life is overwhelming. It’s draining and painful sometimes. And un that hustle and bustle we forget to to be kind. We loose sight of being humble and patient. We forget to make it a priority. I can say this because I am so guilty of this. I have my list of things I need, want, should do and just rush through it so that it gets done. But this is really to my own downfall.

God commands us in his words that we need to have our heart full of compassion so that we can show God’s love to others. We need to think about how we are showing God’s love around us.
Challenge yourself to slow down and be kind to others. To let God’s light shine through us. To open…

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I slept last night

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Which I wasn’t sure about

October 25, 2016

Yesterday around ten am or so, I wrote my journal of a blog post.  I laid out how I was feeling.  Then I went about my day.  I cleaned so many dishes by hand (stupid broken dishwasher, again) that my hands are still waterlogged.  I was distant every time my hubby called me on the phone.  I made my snide remarks.  I wasn’t nice.   I was hurt.  I didn’t feel like I had to make him feel good while I was feeling so bad.  I watched some silly TV and put all the kids in bed by 8, and was there myself by 8:30 pm.   Hubby came home to a dark and quiet house.   I didn’t wait up for him.  Something I normally do.  Even if I go to bed, ten minutes after he’s gotten home.  I wait up.  I scheduled the post to post late at night and put it out of my mind.  I was done.   Done with caring about how little others care.

But even though I didn’t directly say anything to him all day, he knew.  Ten years of marriage, he knows me.  And something that doesn’t happen often, happened.   A dozen of white, apologetic roses appeared in my bed with me to wake me up and say sorry for him.  We talked.  He heard me.

Now does this fix everything?  Time will tell.  But since I whined about him, I thought I’d give him so good points back.  He is trying to make it right.

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I didn’t Sleep Last Night

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And I worry, I never will again.

October 24, 2016

 

The title says it all.  I didn’t sleep and I am worried that I won’t ever again.   Last night as I was getting ready to settle into bed when the thing that has been plaguing me happened again.  I spoke, and the person I was speaking too, did almost the action requested. I asked for the input button to be hit on the remote, to swap the TV from DVD mode to TV mode.   But the person hit the wrong button.   Was this a mistake, most likely.  But instead of saying I hit the wrong button, they said, I thought the TV was off.

This, especially in the light of a new day, is not a horrible action, statement.  But it’s one more example in a long list of examples of when I speak, asking a direct action, a different action is taken and the person I’m speaking to brushes it off as I’m the one who’s crazy.

I did blow up in the darkness of night, when I was tired, emotional and just needed to keep my mouth shut.  And that led to my sleepless, tear-filled night.  But no matter what, no matter how many times, I’ve turned this over in my head.  I am not entirely wrong.  I am wrong for blowing up, but my reasoning is sound.

What is so wrong with being expected to be heard.  Whether it’s an email that I send to my girl scout parents or a request I make with my troop.  A command I give my children.  A favor I ask of a friend.  Or a simple request I give my hubby because I can’t reach the remote.  Why is the same reaction to my speech a belief that the other person knows best?  Now this is where the hubby tells me I’m making it into something it is not.

With the remote, it could have been a simple miss hit of the button.  But he didn’t say whoops, the wrong button.  He says O I thought the TV was off.  I wouldn’t have asked for the input to be hit if I hadn’t already reached the TV and turned it on.  I would have asked for the TV to be turned on. There was a reason I asked for what I did.  And I could be reading more into this, but why would he assume the TV was off.  He made an assumption.  Then he backpedaled and made me into the crazy person. That he had just hit the wrong button, but he said that he thought the TV was off.  That I was making it into something more.   Like because he made a mistake, I blew it up into something it wasn’t.   But I know what I said.   I know what he said.  Yet, I’m the faulted party for calling him out? How is that right?  How is that fair?

Yes, I know crying all night because a wrong button was hit is a bit crazy.  But it was just another time, another example of how my words aren’t heard.  My words are so easily dismissed it’s like they aren’t heard.   I spend all day saying things that the four and three-year-olds just don’t hear.  They do whatever they please.  No amount of shouting, screaming, correcting or any other parenting technique seems to help.  There there are these other people who tend my boys. Speaking over me when I’m dealing with them. Bribing them with treats when I’m trying to get them to eat lunch.  Even their own sister will attempt to soothe them when I’m trying to parent them.  Every other person, it feels, is against me when it comes to my children.  My daughter has all these people whispering in her ears, that my words are lost.  My husband is so absorbed in work, that the family has become second to him again.  And while this seems full of self-pity and despair, I”m just really tired of being last in everyone’s life.  I thought when I married, I have one person who would always put me first.  But I’ve become last, lost and unimportant.  What makes it all so much worse is I tried, I really did try to calmly state how I was feeling.  How I felt dismal and he says that I have to find my own happiness.  I do.  I do. I am happy with my volunteer work, my reading, my blogging.  This isn’t about happiness.  This is about feeling like I matter, and that is a feeling I don’t have.  My kids look to others because they have been taught too.  My hubby looks to work, his phone.  Their actions show me that I’m not valued.

And while this seems full of self-pity and despair, I”m just really tired of being last in everyone’s life.  I thought when I married, I have one person who would always put me first.  But I’ve become last, lost and unimportant.  What makes it all so much worse is I tried, I really did try to calmly state how I was feeling.  How I felt dismal and he says that I have to find my own happiness.  I do.  I do. I am happy with my volunteer work, my reading, my blogging.  This isn’t about happiness.  This is about feeling like I matter, and that is a feeling I don’t have.  My kids look to others because they have been taught too.  My hubby looks to work, his phone.  Their actions show me that I’m not valued.  Then he says he cares.  And because he said it, I must believe it.  But words lie.  I work with words, I know how they can be shaped to deceive.  I know how little they can really mean.

I writing this here because I literally sat up all night.   I didn’t crash until 4:30 am.  But no matter how I spin it I’m the person who has to give it all away.  I had to give up my dreams of being a journalist because I had infants at home.  No one was comfortable with leaving two infants in daycare.  Too much time has since passed, I realistically do not believe in five more years, anyone will want to hire a person, who hasn’t been working in the field into the field. There will be too many fresh out of college with no attachments that will be a better hire.  I have given my entire life to my husband and children, and instead of a warm heart, I’m left in the dust of their lives.  Which really hurts.  I hurt.  And the worst part is, I’ve laid this all out, and while I know he won’t read, my blogs mean nothing to him or the daughter.  Nothing will change.   I’ll smash it down for a while.  I’ll pretend it’s okay.  But in a month or year, I’ll be right back here,  at the bottom of their list.  Carrying the weight of not mattering.

Dorks,

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Titles are for Dorks.

 

I wish I knew the last time, that I took to this blog and divulged a post that was about my life and what all was going on.  It’s been far too long, that is for sure.

 

My Life: Blog Edition

Kiddos

The kids are good.  There have been wearing me out.  But they are happy and healthy.  The oldest is in a choir, girl scouts, crew and a few other things that make me crazy busy.  The boys are good.  The oldest boy has started pre-school and that deserves its own post.  (Maybe I’ll get back to regular blogging and do a #MommyBlog about it.  The littlest boy is growing and is so big already.  We just celebrated his third birthday and I’m not okay with that.  They make me crazy.  Like the girl, she has an attitude.  I’m not kidding.  She makes me scared about how teen years will be.  Which is only in three years.  Because we just had her tenth birthday.  It’s just emotionally compromising how fast they do grow.  I remember living in NC and holding this tiny blanket with a pink bundle.  I was exhausted and annoyed with everyone and everything.  Thinking that I was never going to have a full night’s sleep again.  That I was going to peed, puked, and pooped on forever.  But now it’s all about makeup and hair spray.   (Yes, she’s discovered makeup.)  But overall, kiddos are a good part of my life.

Marriage

I have to say that after ten years, I feel like my marriage has settled.  We are to the point where we know each other.  I know how to deal with him, he knows how to deal with me.  And we are comfortable with each other, but still, know how to make the other tickle each other’s fancy.  Yes, I did say that.  Enjoy that internet.  I am happy with my husband.  I hope he’s happy with me.  I’m glad I still have him.  I want to keep him for many more years.  We have our routine and that is good.  I think we are at the place of goodness and second honeymoon bliss.  I know that sounds sappy of me.  AND it could because he’s been gone for a week and since he’s been back, he’s been working crazy hours and I just miss him.  But I love how strong our marriage appears to be.  Though if I am honest, He does annoy me quite a bit too.  But it’s never anything that is back-breaking.

My Body

Yes, I’m making this a category.  Because for the first time in years, I’m comfortable with my body.  It’s imperfect.  It’s round, squishy, and sometimes it hurts.  But it’s all mine, and I like what I see when I look at it in the mirror.  No, I’m not a fashion model or even anything I want to really be.  But I’m slimmer than I was a year ago.  I feel a hundred times better than I did a year ago, or even two years ago.  Most of that is because of my plexus routine.
{Ask me about Plexus if you want to hear how it’s changed my life. Because it’s changed my life.  I’m going to become an ambassador.  I haven’t yet, but I want to.  I have to a. have the money to do the buy in.  b. figure out how to set it up.  Once I get it done, I’ll post about it.  Because let me tell you this product has changed my life.  And I want it to change yours too.  }
My hair is purple (well it’s faded purple that looks cotton candy pink, which is okay, but I want my purple back).  The hair is going to have to have a come-to-Jesus moment and I want to get it cut.  Like, maybe 7-9 inches taken off.  But it’s a matter of time and money.  Neither of which do I have.  I even have a makeup routine now.  My dear friend has this business, and she’s awesome.  The makeup is really good and wearing it to church and whatnot, just boost my confidence even more since I’ve felt so good. (Felicia Britton, Younique Present) I love the cream shadows.  I’m a barely there when it comes to makeup, and I love the way my face feels when I use the products.
So between my Plexus, my Younique, and my confidence I’m happy with this area of my life.  I do want to keep adding to me stuff, and go to a gym or just run.  But that will come in time.

Blogs/Writing/Professional Stuff

So as far a writing a manuscript, that just isn’t happening.  I have not been able to make myself sit down and work on anything.  It’s not that I don’t want to. Because frankly, I do.  I want to write a book.  I want to go through the process of putting it out there, see if I can make it.  Maybe have a wallpapered with rejection letters.  Until finally that one person sees the potential in my story.  Then have a cinderella moment with a book. Eventually, have it published.  I want that.  I have that dream.  But I just haven’t been able to do anything about it.  I haven’t been able to take a step forward with it at all.  I do want to have a manuscript, I would love to have a few books.  In fact, I have an idea for a series. But I just have to figure out that time to do it.

The blogs are doing good, well not this one, but the others are.  The Television Watcher has content posted daily.  The site stats are fairly regular.  I just figured out how to add my ads to it.  (I am an amazon associate, mean that I will earn off of sales generated from my site links.)  I am really proud of how it looks.  I spend a lot of time making sure that it’s good as far as I know.  It might be awful, but I think it’s awesome.  Agents of SHIELD fansite is also doing very well.  On show nights, I have even had the chance to interact with the stars of the show.  That is an incredible feeling.  Again, I have the associate stuff going on that site, though I’m worried that it doesn’t look as professional as TV Watcher.  My other blog, the one I don’t pay for a domain name too is Journey of Faith, the sister blog for this one.  While views are low, it’s my personal space to talk about my faith.  And I love that I have  it.  I hope and pray that I can help one person.  Only, because I listen to God.

Random Thoughts

That is the majority of my life in a nutshell.  I run around with my kids.  I love my husband.  I do my blogs.  I also do all the boring stuff, like housecleaning and whatnot.  In fact, most of my time is spent doing the boring stuff.  I do a load of laundry and dishes every day.  Some days it a lot more.  But that is what my non-job entails, doing the boring house cleaning.  I wish I could have a real job.  I honestly need a job, since I lost my extra kids, and the money it put in my pocket.  My wallet is too light and it stresses me out.  We cover bills, but the extra stuff I like has said goodbye for now.  If I had a job, then it could come back.  Though working presents it’s problems for me.  Like where do my little ones go during the on the clock time?  Because I fear that my job  would only cover the cost of  a daycare for the little ones or I’d work at night and sleep when I shouldn’t.  Or not sleep and become a zombie.  I don’t want to be a zombie.  So I don’t know. 

This has been a long post about my life.  Hope that you’ve enjoyed reading it.