It’s Saturday. The last day of the month. Tomorrow things will begin a new. At least that is what I am telling myself. I really hate the end of January and the beginning of February. In 2011 I experience a personal tragedy. It was awful and I hated the world. In 2013 I lost my Aunt Cathy, suddenly. Now this year 2015, my family lost our matriarch, my Grandma Jewell. It seems like that the start of a year, when everything is supposed to be starting and renewing, I am hit with something that just breaks my heart. It’s a weird pattern. It’s not a good though. So this year anyway, I’m starting again with March 1st. I have my plan written out. I have my willpower to succeed and my 2015 mantra: “Do the work” So I’m thinking that I can turn it all around for me. I want to anyway.
Now that I’ve stated my intentions, I hope that I can live up to them. I hope that the next post I write I can update all of you that in some ways I’ve been successful. Mostly because I hate failing. I hate that feeling, I think we all do. It’s not a feeling that makes us warm or fuzzy, it’s cold and awful. So, it’s something that we should all avoid.
I’m not really sure how I now want to direct this post. I know that I can’t write about Grandma Jewell, because I don’t want to be sad. I feel that writing about my daily life would bore anyone reading this. Because as important as my jobs are, they are trivial and mundane. There are only so many ways you can talk about emptying the dishwasher. And even fewer ways of talking about the massive amounts of laundry that my life entails. I will say this though, in all my planning that I mentioned before, I have redid my cleaning schedule. For the last several years I have cleaned the kitchen on Monday and Thursday. The living room on Tuesday. Washed laundry and cleaned bedrooms on Wednesday. Bathrooms on Thursday. Friday was day for projects and excess cleaning. While this plan hasn’t always worked out (Meaning I haven’t always stuck to) it has been nice to the plan. So when I sat down and worked out my March plans, I decided that I need to up-cycle that agenda. I hope that it works out for me. Truth be told there has only been minimum changes. The biggest change is the laundry. It’s now going to be spread out by person on their own days. Because it was too much to do five people laundry on one day. Along with having to deal with the kiddos and whatnot. I would run out of steam before the task was done.
But see, your are so bored now talking about a cleaning schedule.
So, again, I”m not sure what to write, how to write it. How to go about it. What to say that is interesting.
And to make matters worse the laptop I’m using has 7% of battery remaining and I’m feeling that I need to finish this before the juice runs dry.
So, here is the quick as can be Maciena update: Life is moving forward, changing in small ways. I’m trying to overcome the heartache that comes when I think of my grandma. I’m trying to keep whatever sanity I still have, even though the people in my life is trying really hard to rob me of it. I haven’t been working on my manuscript, which is an awful truth. My AOS blog site is doing really well, I have steady traffic and have much love given to me on the related twitter site. Even having Chad Michael Murray tweeting me back. The Television Watcher blog has been pushed to the back, back burner and that is sad. I’ve been really good to work on my daily devotional. Except weekends are so much harder to get them done. I’m just me. Things are proceeding.
and that my darlings, is all.
This is a photo of my two best friends in the world. I love them and miss them. I haven’t seen them in forever. So for today’s #TBT a tribute to my best friends.
I found this image at: http://www.prayers-for-special-help.com/bible-verse-pictures.html Credit to the creator, and owner. I didn’t make it.
I’ve tried for many days to start this blog. I’ve used the 750words to try to punch out some of my thoughts. But I have to say that writing this month has been really hard. I haven’t been able to find the right words for the emotions I’ve been feeling. They are too complicated. Actually, that is inaccurate. They are too clouded by the grief I’ve been feeling.
On February 3rd–a date I already hated–My Grandma Jewell left this earth to go to her Heavenly home. While that statement and sentiment is a beautiful thing, the pain and sadness that has been left in my heart and soul is nothing but this crushing weight. I know that we are supposed to celebrate a Godly woman going to be with the Lord, but I can’t help but be very angry that it happened. The sweet and kind words by others were less than helpful.
“She lived a good long life.” Yeah, she did, we just celebrated her 95th birthday. But how does that make me feel better? Like because she wasn’t young, she was old, that somehow my pain is not the same.
“She is in no more pain.” No because she doesn’t feel her body anymore. Yes she has a new one in Heaven, but again she didn’t live a life in pain. She wasn’t sick until one week before she died. And we made sure that she wasn’t in pain in the hospital. We did everything to make it easier on her. So no. I’m sorry well-meaning people, that didn’t easy my hurt.
Grief isn’t something that becomes less, it doesn’t ever leave a person. I still grieve and miss those that have already left this Earth. Grief doesn’t become easier to live with. It just becomes a void, that you have to overlook because society gives you a time limit on how long you can go with being visibly sad. A fact I know, because I’ve been on both sides of it.
I can’t express any other emotion other than annoyance and anger at the whole thing. I feel a lot more. I feel emptiness, sadness, pain, and a whole host of emotions that I don’t have names for. My grandmother was always there. She watched me when I was young. She taught me things. She told me stories. She supported me. She encouraged me to be the bigger person when others had deeply hurt me. She was always there. Now she’s not. There is a void in my life and my heart. There is an empty spot on my family pew. There is nothing that can be said to make that feel any better.
I don’t know how to live and move forward with this grief, this loss. Mostly I haven’t. I’ve tried to, but mostly I’ve sat on my couch and watched a lot of General Hospital.
In other news. Because I will just fall apart if I try to keep writing about my Grandma. I just had my first 29th birthday. I did as little as possible work. I was pampered and given extremely great gifts. It was a great day. Great day.
I got to sleep in, because unfortunately due to bad weather, church was cancelled. One long hot shower later, I was eating a breakfast that I didn’t have to prepare. Because the hubby went to McDonalds to get me the McGriddles. I laid around, read a bit, watched some TV, and then went out to dinner with the family at BarleyCorns. It was a good evening. Phil took care of the kids, while I open my gifts and ate my meal. It was a good day.
Per normal, I don’t feel older, wiser or any of that hogwash. But I feel tired. But I think is normal with a mom with three kids. So, things could be better on that front. So as a 29-year-old I think things will be just the same. The only difference is that I’m older.
So this has been my attempt to be back to normal. To be the blogger I always attempt to be.
that is all.